2.22.2010

only took 2 days

it only took 2 days for me to get sick of my computer again.  its always exciting putting a fresh new install of linux on my computer.  i love how its so much faster than windows.  i spend an entire day getting everything tweaked and updated and looking great.  its an absolute joy for 2 days.  then i realize it doesnt matter what OS i have on here.  after everything its still just a lame computer...

sometimes i feel like something is missing in my life.  sometimes i feel like everything is wrong.  i feel like i have the passion of a thousand hearts burning inside me and nothing to throw it at.  there are so many places i want to be, so many things i want to do.  and here i am wasting away for another long winter with nothing i can do about it.  im dead on the outside and writhing on the inside.  its been such a long time.  are there any among you wiser than i?  id like to know the answers to life.  i live more in my dreams than in the wakeful day.  and thats an awful thing.  i am not content.

...

ill probably delete this in the morning.  i dont think i meant for all of that to fall out of me.  im so tired.

4 comments:

  1. Whether you delete it or not just know I think everyone feels like this at one point or another. I know this emotional detachment has avalanched on me more than once. There are no sure fire answers and as I am writing this, you will probably start thinking you really didn't want a response from anyone and that it wasn't written for anyone but you... but since I have already started I will say that the only thing that worked for me was the conscious effort to be in the moment, to stop watching myself interact with people, stop watching myself go through the motions. Actively be 'here', talking to you, me saying the words and not act like I am watching "my life" the movie. Going on a trip or talking to my mom also worked :-) In the end all i can really say is that i hope you find what you are looking for and that you old friend 'happiness' finds you as well.

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  2. Garit Buddy!!! I wish so bad that you were feeling better!! It's true though we do all go through those feelings. I know for sure I am not among the wiser. I have found a little more serenity and happiness in books lately. I joined a book club and it's so wonderful to escape to new worlds in a book. It's very calming. It's an idea.
    If there is ever anything that the Smith clan can do for you please let me know. Even if its just picking up some Beto's for you.
    P.S. We expect to see you after our sweet little boy is born. Have you met out first little boy? We miss you!! :-)

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  3. I haven't really spent much time with you recently so I'm not sure where you stand on this but the one thing that I rely on to survive and find happiness is the gospel. I could not have survived the past year and half or so without it. Centering my life around the gospel helps me to be able to choose happiness when it seems life dealt me a crappy hand. I won't go on and on in case you don't care to to hear it but I will share one last thing. Last week I had a particularly difficult day and that night I was reading to Aiden from the Illustrated stories from the Book of Mormon and this line stuck out to me, "Be patient in your afflictions, and one day you shall rest from them."

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  4. You'll find something amazing to do. A mind like yours can't help it. Let's figure out a way to make things happen. Now if you wouldn't mind closing your eyes and picturing a cat suspended several feet from a tree branch grasping with only one paw, its face adorably horrified, and the bold letters across the border spell out 'Hang in There'

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Thanks for the comments.